New Hope Talks

What my girly novels taught me about love

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When I wrote this post I was eyeball deep in some heavy theology. Seeing as my brain was pretty much fried from all that reading, I put away my usual reading material for some easy fluffy chick lit. You know the kind: boy meets girl, love at first sight (even if they don’t realise it!!), cue obstacle, obstacle, obstacle. Against all odds they end up together and live happily ever after.

Sigh. If only life were that simple.

Image from Leland Francisco

Image from Leland Francisco

Patterns

But I am a firm believer that all our human expressions (songs, movies, books, tv shows) can teach us something about what it means to be human. And romantic novels are no exception. It was probably after my 4th or 5th novel that I realised a pattern. I had read a number of different authors so I was surprised to see them share the same pattern.

All the male characters had one thing in common (besides their devastatingly good looks – is there any novel where the guy just looks… well, you know… normal?) – they wanted nothing from the female heroine except for herself.

They loved her for being her.

Not for what she looked like. Not for what she could do for them. Not for how she cooked or how she took care of them. No matter what it cost them – moving large distances, losing their careers, ending friendships – they just wanted her. Because she, in herself, was worth it.

What’s the appeal?

It made me wonder about the wide appeal of these novels. Perhaps it’s the unconditional love displayed by these male characters. It tells us that deep in our human nature is the belief that we have worth. It tells us that we have a value simply for being ourselves, not just in what we can do for others. It tells us that we are worthy of love – the kind of love that asks for nothing back.

Perhaps this is the appeal of love stories – that selfless, ‘forever’ love exists. And we’re allowed to hope to find it. Perhaps that’s why we share inspirational stories of love on facebook (the wife who cares for her terminally ill husband; the husband who does not leave his wife after a horrific accident that leaves her incapable of taking care of herself; etc.).

You were made for amazing love

You’re longing for it. I am. We all are. Because this is the love we are created for. The truth is that selfless, forever kind of love does not just belong in books and movies and inspirational facebook links. This is the kind of love we should all experience in our everyday lives. We were made in the image of love, and it is love that we crave: real, authentic, I love you no matter what kind of love.

How do we find it?

The first step is to recognise that we deserve it. This can be the hardest part of all. When we recognise we deserve to be loved unconditionally, we turn to the One who always loves us unconditionally. Only then can we accept what love others may offer us. The love we find here on earth may not be perfect but it reflects perfection. We need to let God make up what is lacking.

So…

Think about that the next time you read a seemingly fluffy love story. Why are you reading it? What’s going on in the story that you desire for yourself?

Question: What about men in real life? What does this mean for them? Is it an unfair standard for them to be expected to live up to? You can comment by clicking here.

Why you don’t know he’s bad for you

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Most of us have either seen it or done it. The great girl who is going out with (to put it nicely) a guy who’s in need of some personal growth. “What does she see in him?” You ask. “She can do so much better!” “Why does she let him treat her like that?” Or that moment of enlightenment when the whole sorry event is finally over – “what was I thinking??!!”

Here are four reasons you may not see what everyone else does – he’s not good for you.

Image from Dave Bleasdale

Image from Dave Bleasdale

1. You’re having sex

Having sex with someone will make it difficult to see their faults. Even the writers of ‘Sex and the City’ know this one. This is because, during sex, a hormone called oxytocin is released. Oxytocin decreases a woman’s ability to think rationally, causes her to be forgetful and creates a strong attachment to her partner.

So oxytocin both prolongs your crappy relationship by making it harder to break up with someone you’ve attached to and blinds you to their true character, making it more difficult to see he’s no good for you.

Solution: Stop having sex. Clear your head. Get some distance. You need to assess this relationship without all the crazy chemicals. And if no more sex means he’s no longer interested – you’ve got your answer before you even started – he’s not good for you.

2. You think you have what you want 

Sometimes we want something so badly we convince ourselves that we’ve found it. And we’re too afraid of losing something that’s not right, preferring it to having nothing.

You might want to get married so badly you convince yourself he’s the one, and that those things bugging you about him are no big deal, that he’ll change, that he really does love you.

It’s not worth it. Chances are those doubts will not go away if you ever get him down the aisle (and that’s a big IF).

As scary as being single sounds, most would agree it’d be better to be single then in a destructive relationship. The fear of being single should not motivate you to settle for the wrong guy. You are worth so much more than that!

Solution: Get some perspective. Spend time working out what you really want. If it’s marriage, then think about what you’d like this marriage to look like. What kind of qualities do you want your husband to have? Write them down. Now compare this to your man. If he doesn’t measure up you know he’s not the one.

3. Formation 

Your choice of partner is influenced by so many factors you may not be aware of. A huge part of this is the way you were bought up.

My husband and I prepare couples for marriage using an excellent course from SmartLoving. One of the exercises couples do in this course looks at how the formation you received from your family interacts with the formation your partner received from his.

One of the areas is called “Compatible but Suboptimal Formation”. This is where your expectations and your partners match up because you grew up with the same expectation but this expectation is not good for you. For example, if both you and your partner grew up with a workaholic father, then both you and your partner may expect that work will always come first – but it’s not the best option for your relationship.

Solution: Take a good look at yourself, your upbringing – what factors are influencing your decisions when it comes to choosing a partner? Do you have some stuff to work through before you’re ready? If so, consider seeking professional help to work through it.

4. You’re in love

The ‘in love’ phase describes the early stages of a relationship where feelings of euphoria run high. During this time you have a hard time seeing the faults in your partner. Emotions are stronger then logic.

The problem with this is that this ‘in love’ period typically lasts about 2 years. After this you may not like what you see.

Solution: You may not be able to see it but it’s probably a pretty safe bet that your mum can, or your friends can. So check in with those who know you best and care about you. Maybe there’s something you’re not seeing. And if he does measure up, make sure your relationship can stand the ‘in love’ feeling fading. Check out The 5 love languages for some ways how.

If you’re still not sure about your guy, check out Chrystalina Evert’s Dump Him list.

So, if this is stuff you wish you’d heard or listened to earlier in your life, please share it.  Someone who needs to hear it – and is ready to – just might find the nudge they’re looking for.

Question: Have I left something out? What else gets in the way of seeing that someone’s not good for you? You can comment by clicking here.

Have you been lied to? Part II: 6 Lies about love

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Previously I wrote about some of the lies we have been fed. Especially about how harmful lust is. But perhaps the biggest lie of all is what we have been told about love. And we have been told a lot. Everywhere we turn, the word “love” is being used – in commercials, magazines, restaurants, supermarkets and in relationships. But despite the constant use of this word we seem to have lost what it really means. So often what looks like “love” ends up hurting us. Badly. Perhaps this is because what we label love is not actually love, and we expose ourselves to what we should be protecting ourselves from.

So here are some of the common lies we hear about love and the truth behind them.

1. Love makes you happy.

Love does not make you happy if what you mean by happy is feeling euphoric and on-top-of-the-world. True love brings joy but not necessarily happiness.

If I think about getting up for the 7th time that night to comfort my crying toddler… happy is not the first word that comes to mind. Cranky, catatonic, flustered – maybe. But happy? – no. But it is love. And my child knows it. That’s why despite my exasperated whisper -“why can’t you stay asleep!” I get chubby fingers and a little voice calling “mummy, cuddle” and despite feeling like my eyes may fall out of my head from tiredness I am filled with joy – because I love. And I am loved.

2. Love needs to be earned.

This one is a whopper! Somehow we’ve gotten it into our heads that we need to be “loveable” to be loved. That we need to earn it. Well, we did nothing to earn the Greatest Love and we shouldn’t need to do anything to earn someone else’s. Now I’m not saying it’s ok to do nothing for others – but, when you do something for others it should’t be to earn love but to give love. Without expecting anything in return.

If my husband really loves me (and I believe he does) he loves me just as much when I’ve made his favourite dinner, cleaned the house, arranged a babysitter and taken him out for some quality time as when I’m cranky, tired, irrational and generally acting like a crazy banshee being chased by a rabid dog. (But out of love for him, I try to keep these days to a minimum).

3. Love is a feeling.

Well yes and no. There are lots of feelings involved in true love but they may not be what you’d expect (dread, exhaustion, helplessness, pain…) Love is not a warm fuzzy feeling in your tummy (that could be just a good cup of tea). Love is an action.

Feelings come and go. Love is a choice. If you are lucky enough, you know one of those couples – the couple who has been together forever, who finishes off each others sentences, whose wrinkled entwined hands are only matched by the laughter lines of their faces. Trust me they didn’t get there by feeling ‘in love’. They made a choice and they stuck to it.

Sometimes those couples are no longer holding hands: one’s hands feed as the other’s lie limp. That’s love. Sometimes the only feelings were anger, resentment and loneliness: but they chose love. Sometimes alternatives seemed so much easier: staying late at the office, a couple of drinks, a comforting ear to listen that’s not your spouses. But they chose love. And they did not regret it.

4. Love is about my needs.

We live in a culture which is constantly telling us “you should get what you want! Then you’ll be happy.” So, in relationships we seek to have our needs met. But true love is selfless. It does not seek to have it’s own needs met. Love wants the true good of the other.

“Wait, what? So I should just resign myself to life as a door mat?”

Well, not quite. Loving requires also to love and respect yourself. But in a relationship where two people really love each other, there’s no need to worry about yourself. You’re looking out for your partner, and your partner is looking out for you.

5. Love and sex are the same thing.

Culture constantly tells us “if you love someone you sleep with them.” Or at least in a romantic relationship. Can you remember the last time you saw a movie, tv show, or commercial where people in a romantic relationship were not having sex? And yet the very idea of sex outside marriage being synonymous with love flies in the very face of the definition of love.

If love is wanting the good of the other, we need to know the truth about sex before marriage. It’s not good. Study after study shows the negative effects of sex outside marriage – everything from decreased academic results, depression, drug use, unplanned pregnancies, STD’s, to lower socio-economic status – the list goes on! It’s time to start considering whether our actions are really showing love, or hurting those we claim to love.

6. Love and sex can be separated.

On the flip side we’re also told that you can just have meaningless sex without the “baggage” of love. This lie is so destructive because it totally and completely negates the power of sex. Sex is extremely powerful in binding people together. Sex is body language in it’s most powerful form.

So…

Do you have true love in your life? Or is someone just using you for their own means? Are you really acting out of the desire for the good of the other or are you acting out of desire for good for yourself?

If you’re missing out on true love, what are you going to do about it? Are you ready to make the change? Maybe it’s time to ditch the boyfriend, find new friends or work on your marriage.

One last thing

Have you had a conversation lately with a friend where they complained of “something missing” in their love life? Do them a favour, and share this post with them.

Question: What are some of the lies you have heard/experienced about love? You can comment by clicking here.