New Hope Talks

Why you don’t know he’s bad for you

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Most of us have either seen it or done it. The great girl who is going out with (to put it nicely) a guy who’s in need of some personal growth. “What does she see in him?” You ask. “She can do so much better!” “Why does she let him treat her like that?” Or that moment of enlightenment when the whole sorry event is finally over – “what was I thinking??!!”

Here are four reasons you may not see what everyone else does – he’s not good for you.

Image from Dave Bleasdale

Image from Dave Bleasdale

1. You’re having sex

Having sex with someone will make it difficult to see their faults. Even the writers of ‘Sex and the City’ know this one. This is because, during sex, a hormone called oxytocin is released. Oxytocin decreases a woman’s ability to think rationally, causes her to be forgetful and creates a strong attachment to her partner.

So oxytocin both prolongs your crappy relationship by making it harder to break up with someone you’ve attached to and blinds you to their true character, making it more difficult to see he’s no good for you.

Solution: Stop having sex. Clear your head. Get some distance. You need to assess this relationship without all the crazy chemicals. And if no more sex means he’s no longer interested – you’ve got your answer before you even started – he’s not good for you.

2. You think you have what you want 

Sometimes we want something so badly we convince ourselves that we’ve found it. And we’re too afraid of losing something that’s not right, preferring it to having nothing.

You might want to get married so badly you convince yourself he’s the one, and that those things bugging you about him are no big deal, that he’ll change, that he really does love you.

It’s not worth it. Chances are those doubts will not go away if you ever get him down the aisle (and that’s a big IF).

As scary as being single sounds, most would agree it’d be better to be single then in a destructive relationship. The fear of being single should not motivate you to settle for the wrong guy. You are worth so much more than that!

Solution: Get some perspective. Spend time working out what you really want. If it’s marriage, then think about what you’d like this marriage to look like. What kind of qualities do you want your husband to have? Write them down. Now compare this to your man. If he doesn’t measure up you know he’s not the one.

3. Formation 

Your choice of partner is influenced by so many factors you may not be aware of. A huge part of this is the way you were bought up.

My husband and I prepare couples for marriage using an excellent course from SmartLoving. One of the exercises couples do in this course looks at how the formation you received from your family interacts with the formation your partner received from his.

One of the areas is called “Compatible but Suboptimal Formation”. This is where your expectations and your partners match up because you grew up with the same expectation but this expectation is not good for you. For example, if both you and your partner grew up with a workaholic father, then both you and your partner may expect that work will always come first – but it’s not the best option for your relationship.

Solution: Take a good look at yourself, your upbringing – what factors are influencing your decisions when it comes to choosing a partner? Do you have some stuff to work through before you’re ready? If so, consider seeking professional help to work through it.

4. You’re in love

The ‘in love’ phase describes the early stages of a relationship where feelings of euphoria run high. During this time you have a hard time seeing the faults in your partner. Emotions are stronger then logic.

The problem with this is that this ‘in love’ period typically lasts about 2 years. After this you may not like what you see.

Solution: You may not be able to see it but it’s probably a pretty safe bet that your mum can, or your friends can. So check in with those who know you best and care about you. Maybe there’s something you’re not seeing. And if he does measure up, make sure your relationship can stand the ‘in love’ feeling fading. Check out The 5 love languages for some ways how.

If you’re still not sure about your guy, check out Chrystalina Evert’s Dump Him list.

So, if this is stuff you wish you’d heard or listened to earlier in your life, please share it.  Someone who needs to hear it – and is ready to – just might find the nudge they’re looking for.

Question: Have I left something out? What else gets in the way of seeing that someone’s not good for you? You can comment by clicking here.

Have you been lied to? Part II: 6 Lies about love

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Previously I wrote about some of the lies we have been fed. Especially about how harmful lust is. But perhaps the biggest lie of all is what we have been told about love. And we have been told a lot. Everywhere we turn, the word “love” is being used – in commercials, magazines, restaurants, supermarkets and in relationships. But despite the constant use of this word we seem to have lost what it really means. So often what looks like “love” ends up hurting us. Badly. Perhaps this is because what we label love is not actually love, and we expose ourselves to what we should be protecting ourselves from.

So here are some of the common lies we hear about love and the truth behind them.

1. Love makes you happy.

Love does not make you happy if what you mean by happy is feeling euphoric and on-top-of-the-world. True love brings joy but not necessarily happiness.

If I think about getting up for the 7th time that night to comfort my crying toddler… happy is not the first word that comes to mind. Cranky, catatonic, flustered – maybe. But happy? – no. But it is love. And my child knows it. That’s why despite my exasperated whisper -“why can’t you stay asleep!” I get chubby fingers and a little voice calling “mummy, cuddle” and despite feeling like my eyes may fall out of my head from tiredness I am filled with joy – because I love. And I am loved.

2. Love needs to be earned.

This one is a whopper! Somehow we’ve gotten it into our heads that we need to be “loveable” to be loved. That we need to earn it. Well, we did nothing to earn the Greatest Love and we shouldn’t need to do anything to earn someone else’s. Now I’m not saying it’s ok to do nothing for others – but, when you do something for others it should’t be to earn love but to give love. Without expecting anything in return.

If my husband really loves me (and I believe he does) he loves me just as much when I’ve made his favourite dinner, cleaned the house, arranged a babysitter and taken him out for some quality time as when I’m cranky, tired, irrational and generally acting like a crazy banshee being chased by a rabid dog. (But out of love for him, I try to keep these days to a minimum).

3. Love is a feeling.

Well yes and no. There are lots of feelings involved in true love but they may not be what you’d expect (dread, exhaustion, helplessness, pain…) Love is not a warm fuzzy feeling in your tummy (that could be just a good cup of tea). Love is an action.

Feelings come and go. Love is a choice. If you are lucky enough, you know one of those couples – the couple who has been together forever, who finishes off each others sentences, whose wrinkled entwined hands are only matched by the laughter lines of their faces. Trust me they didn’t get there by feeling ‘in love’. They made a choice and they stuck to it.

Sometimes those couples are no longer holding hands: one’s hands feed as the other’s lie limp. That’s love. Sometimes the only feelings were anger, resentment and loneliness: but they chose love. Sometimes alternatives seemed so much easier: staying late at the office, a couple of drinks, a comforting ear to listen that’s not your spouses. But they chose love. And they did not regret it.

4. Love is about my needs.

We live in a culture which is constantly telling us “you should get what you want! Then you’ll be happy.” So, in relationships we seek to have our needs met. But true love is selfless. It does not seek to have it’s own needs met. Love wants the true good of the other.

“Wait, what? So I should just resign myself to life as a door mat?”

Well, not quite. Loving requires also to love and respect yourself. But in a relationship where two people really love each other, there’s no need to worry about yourself. You’re looking out for your partner, and your partner is looking out for you.

5. Love and sex are the same thing.

Culture constantly tells us “if you love someone you sleep with them.” Or at least in a romantic relationship. Can you remember the last time you saw a movie, tv show, or commercial where people in a romantic relationship were not having sex? And yet the very idea of sex outside marriage being synonymous with love flies in the very face of the definition of love.

If love is wanting the good of the other, we need to know the truth about sex before marriage. It’s not good. Study after study shows the negative effects of sex outside marriage – everything from decreased academic results, depression, drug use, unplanned pregnancies, STD’s, to lower socio-economic status – the list goes on! It’s time to start considering whether our actions are really showing love, or hurting those we claim to love.

6. Love and sex can be separated.

On the flip side we’re also told that you can just have meaningless sex without the “baggage” of love. This lie is so destructive because it totally and completely negates the power of sex. Sex is extremely powerful in binding people together. Sex is body language in it’s most powerful form.

So…

Do you have true love in your life? Or is someone just using you for their own means? Are you really acting out of the desire for the good of the other or are you acting out of desire for good for yourself?

If you’re missing out on true love, what are you going to do about it? Are you ready to make the change? Maybe it’s time to ditch the boyfriend, find new friends or work on your marriage.

One last thing

Have you had a conversation lately with a friend where they complained of “something missing” in their love life? Do them a favour, and share this post with them.

Question: What are some of the lies you have heard/experienced about love? You can comment by clicking here.

Have you been lied to? Part I

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Last week on my blog post, one person asked the question, “What’s this lie you’re talking about?” It was an excellent question which really made me think about the most straight forward way of answering to answer it.

 

Image by SeanMacEntee

Image by SeanMacEntee

A Lap Dance

And it reminded me of a Facebook post I’d seen earlier that week that moved me almost to tears. The post was on a popular mum’s Facebook group with over 1000 likers. One mum asked the question, “Would you mind if your husband got a lap dance at a bucks night?”

She also stated that obviously she knew strippers were the norm for a bucks – but what about a lap dance? Clearly this mum minded her husband getting a lap dance, otherwise she wouldn’t bother asking the question. It seemed pretty clear she also minded the stripper… but what could she do? Strippers and bucks go hand in hand right? And who was she to ask her husband not to look at another woman? Naked.

So what’s the lie?

It’s stuff like this that reminds me of what life is like before you recognise the lie. The lie that seeing strippers on your bucks night is just innocent fun. The lie that it’s ok to lust after a woman’s (or man’s) body. The lie that what lust does is harmless. That sex is casual, meaningless, no big deal. The lie that your virginity is something you need to lose like a bad smell, so you can get on with your carefree life of great sex and no consequences.

The truth

But the truth is – lust is not harmless. Looking at a naked woman on a bucks night, or any night, does have consequences. The truth is we’ve been lied to about love and so we often confuse it with lust.

Recent scientific studies have discovered many biological and psychological effects of indulging lust. Like the inability to form a life long connection to a partner because of multiple past sexual partners; or re-wiring brain connections as a result of looking at pornography.

(Yes I know you want to see these studies. But I’m on holidays and I left them at home, so… I’ll update this over the next few weeks with a few references.)

But you don’t just have to look to studies. Many people can tell their own stories of how pornography, jealously, feeling used, being wanted only for their body, or worse, being rejected for their body, has left them feeling like seriously damaged goods.

Love has been distorted

But it doesn’t have to be this way! There’s not enough room in this blog post to talk about the way love has been distorted and how to find the real deal. But it’s so important! So next week the whole post will be on that.

But for now I just want to say that I get it. I know what it’s like to live on the other side of the lie, to think that strippers are just a ‘normal part’ of a bucks night.

“I know, I know”

Now if you’re reading this and thinking “seriously you thought that was normal?” – you are very fortunate! Fortunate to have been brought up/grown up/surrounded by whatever  circumstances that helped you see this way. And I hope you find things on this blog and website to help other people see the way you do. Enter your email address in the subscribe box and you’ll get these posts to your inbox each week.

“Gimme!”

Or you might be thinking “I really want that!” Where you don’t have to think strippers at a bucks are normal. Where you don’t have to worry about your husband (or future husband) ogling some other woman. If that’s you – stay with me. I’ll be sharing new stuff each week from what I’ve read, seen and experienced that has changed my life for the better. And I believe it can change yours. So enter your email address in the subscribe box and you’ll get these posts to your inbox each week.

And if you want more? Check out my favourite resources or send me any questions by email, Facebook or just by commenting below.

5 Reasons you’ll want to follow this blog

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Here it is. My first blog post. And to be honest I’m a little freaked out. I find talking so much easier. Writing is daunting. I struggle to come up with the right words, I can’t read your expression to know if you’re interested, falling asleep, or quite frankly haven’t got a clue what I am talking about and think I’m a little crazy!

But here goes. I’ve decided to go ahead and do this. And I’m doing this because I believe we need more conversation about this issue. More conversation about our sexuality: its purpose, its meaning, its design. How to understand it and how to embrace it.

Image by Moyan Brenn

Image by Moyan Brenn

Why I care

Everyone wants to love and to be loved. And I believe everyone deserves the chance to experience that love and happiness. When I look around I see a lot of unhappy people and I think a lot (not all, but a LOT) of that unhappiness could be avoided.

I believe we have been sold a lie. A big, fat, ugly lie. A lie so well disguised (or so it appears at first), so widely accepted, that it never occurs to us to question it or challenge it or to look behind it to find the truth. And I believe that lie is ruining lives. I know it was ruining mine.

But I believe lives can change. That truth can be brought to light. And you have a right to know that truth! I believe there is an answer, an answer that brings joy and happiness like you have never known, an answer that brings freedom: freedom to love.

(I know some of you have already found the answer, or more likely, the answer found you. If that’s the case, I hope you’ll join me. I hope you’ll share your journey, your insights, your unique perspective – so that more people have a greater chance of seeing and hearing a story or situation they can relate to.)

It’s Hard

But like anything worth something in this life it is not always easy to do. Edward Cullen fights the overwhelming urge to drink Bella’s blood to stick to his ‘vegetarian’ version of vampire. Bruce Wayne overcomes his childhood fears and pushes his body to its physical limits to free Gotham from overconfident criminals. This blog endeavours to help you navigate through these challenges to find true joy, true freedom, true love.

Here For You

And here I’ll betray one of my nerdy guilty pleasure: lists. Here are four ways NewHope Talks can help you. It will:

  1. Give insights for navigating the day to day life in the midst of a culture that values the lie.
  2. Find and create resources to help you get more information.
  3. Answer your questions. You can email me, comment on a post, write on the Facebook page – I want to hear from you! I want to help you achieve the most in your life and relationships – and help you do the same for those you love.
  4. Provide support. Life is not meant to be lived in isolation. Especially when you are living your life to it’s fullest potential, when you’re stepping out counter culturally. Let’s make this a community where we can fire-up and encourage each other!
  5. Keep you in the loop. From time to time there are events (small ones and not so small ones) that can do the above four things but in a real life setting. Sometimes I’ll run them, sometimes I’ll know who’s running them. Either way I’ll let you know. And if I leave something out that you know about, well consider it your job to spill the beans!

So, what now?

Do you know someone who’s trying to live counter culturally and could do with the help? Do you know someone who has been fed the lie and is ready to get out? Or do you know someone who could be a valuable part of this NewHope Talks community? I’d love it if you would share this post with them!

Ok, well that’s it for now. So until next time, thanks for reading!