Most of us have either seen it or done it. The great girl who is going out with (to put it nicely) a guy who’s in need of some personal growth. “What does she see in him?” You ask. “She can do so much better!” “Why does she let him treat her like that?” Or that moment of enlightenment when the whole sorry event is finally over – “what was I thinking??!!”
Here are four reasons you may not see what everyone else does – he’s not good for you.
1. You’re having sex
Having sex with someone will make it difficult to see their faults. Even the writers of ‘Sex and the City’ know this one. This is because, during sex, a hormone called oxytocin is released. Oxytocin decreases a woman’s ability to think rationally, causes her to be forgetful and creates a strong attachment to her partner.
So oxytocin both prolongs your crappy relationship by making it harder to break up with someone you’ve attached to and blinds you to their true character, making it more difficult to see he’s no good for you.
Solution: Stop having sex. Clear your head. Get some distance. You need to assess this relationship without all the crazy chemicals. And if no more sex means he’s no longer interested – you’ve got your answer before you even started – he’s not good for you.
2. You think you have what you want
Sometimes we want something so badly we convince ourselves that we’ve found it. And we’re too afraid of losing something that’s not right, preferring it to having nothing.
You might want to get married so badly you convince yourself he’s the one, and that those things bugging you about him are no big deal, that he’ll change, that he really does love you.
It’s not worth it. Chances are those doubts will not go away if you ever get him down the aisle (and that’s a big IF).
As scary as being single sounds, most would agree it’d be better to be single then in a destructive relationship. The fear of being single should not motivate you to settle for the wrong guy. You are worth so much more than that!
Solution: Get some perspective. Spend time working out what you really want. If it’s marriage, then think about what you’d like this marriage to look like. What kind of qualities do you want your husband to have? Write them down. Now compare this to your man. If he doesn’t measure up you know he’s not the one.
Your choice of partner is influenced by so many factors you may not be aware of. A huge part of this is the way you were bought up.
My husband and I prepare couples for marriage using an excellent course from SmartLoving. One of the exercises couples do in this course looks at how the formation you received from your family interacts with the formation your partner received from his.
One of the areas is called “Compatible but Suboptimal Formation”. This is where your expectations and your partners match up because you grew up with the same expectation but this expectation is not good for you. For example, if both you and your partner grew up with a workaholic father, then both you and your partner may expect that work will always come first – but it’s not the best option for your relationship.
Solution: Take a good look at yourself, your upbringing – what factors are influencing your decisions when it comes to choosing a partner? Do you have some stuff to work through before you’re ready? If so, consider seeking professional help to work through it.
4. You’re in love
The ‘in love’ phase describes the early stages of a relationship where feelings of euphoria run high. During this time you have a hard time seeing the faults in your partner. Emotions are stronger then logic.
The problem with this is that this ‘in love’ period typically lasts about 2 years. After this you may not like what you see.
Solution: You may not be able to see it but it’s probably a pretty safe bet that your mum can, or your friends can. So check in with those who know you best and care about you. Maybe there’s something you’re not seeing. And if he does measure up, make sure your relationship can stand the ‘in love’ feeling fading. Check out The 5 love languages for some ways how.
If you’re still not sure about your guy, check out Chrystalina Evert’s Dump Him list.
So, if this is stuff you wish you’d heard or listened to earlier in your life, please share it. Someone who needs to hear it – and is ready to – just might find the nudge they’re looking for.
Question: Have I left something out? What else gets in the way of seeing that someone’s not good for you? You can comment by clicking here.